cw: co-dependence, suicide, abuse, intense inter-relationship emotions
my girlfriend and i realized early on in our relationship that we had developed an intense emotional dependency towards each other. it's hard for us to cope with the other one feeling unwell while ourselves being unable to help, hard to do things we know will hurt, that sort of thing. for a long time, none of us could imagine surviving for long after a breakup, be it through us or other factors. we both were sure that we'd attempt suicide because the thought of living without each other was - and still is - unbearable.
we talked about this very early and openly. at first, it was visible mostly as something that during conflicts got us to get back together and talk things out. because while our emotions needed out, the prospect of ruining the relationship with stubbornness and aggression was always too much. so this dependence seemed beneficial. even without this factor: both of us knew that this thing was a part of us, our relationship, whether we wanted to or not. we, as beings with severe mental health issues, would develop this sort of dependency anyway. so instead of fighting what seemed inevitable we decided to work with it as best as possible. we embraced it. and with it, among other things, problems with speaking up, emotional suffering when being physically separated (even just for an hour), an inability to recognize our own needs and boundaries, strong insecurities and an abusive co-dependency that took years to untangle.
and yet ...
the phrase "i can depend on someone to xyz" does not have a positive connotation for nothing. it expresses a sense of trust that someone else is reliable in a certain aspect, meaning that this aspect can be mentally delegated to them, allowing more energy and focus for other things. something that depends both on trust given as well as the respective being doing what they're depended on. but also, crucially: a dependence that was voluntarily and consensually entered in.
it is hard to say whether our dependency was entered in consensually. it just inevitably happened. is this a good thing? a bad thing? who knows. primarily, as i already stated, it was an inevitable thing. we could have just stopped then and there, tried to deny and hide it. that would probably have saved us a lot of arguments with others. but to what end? it would have still been there, influencing every single one of our interactions. more fundamentally though: what is a relationship in which you cannot depend on each other in at least some small aspect?
while it is always best to believe in oneself, a little help from others can be a blessing - iroh in avatar, the legend of aang
i'm sorry, i just love this quote, because it is one of the few i know from a popular source potentially acting as a counterweight against rampart individualism. the same individualism that, i feel, makes us see dependencies as negative and negative only. i, however, would argue that, as with many other things, it's less the thing itself and more what we make out of it that determines its character.
so what did we make out of our mutual dependencies?
well, first of all, invest a lot of work into reducing potential abusability. which, granted, took a tremendous amount of time and energy as well as outside help to work on. both of us, thanks to trauma, had control issues that needed working on, and that plus emotional dependencies meant some words and needs were interpreted in ways that led to serious self-restricting. but other aspects did not take as long. we tried to find ways to express needs, or to learn coping with the other one not feeling well without dragging ourselves down too much. got ourselves far enough so as to not see suicide as the inevitable outcome of an end to what we have anymore.
most importantly though: we did not enter the relationship driven by a desire to control each other for personal benefit. but to be there for one another, to be supportive, a source of energy. we learned to trust - in other words: depend on - each other. we are each other's source for a lot of energy, confidence, happiness, love, fulfillment, safety, stability and so, so much more. we have grown, become so much more stronger, so much more ourselves because of this. and it is out there in the world now, out there to stay.
to be entirely clear though: i am not advocating for mutually dependent relationships. i know that there are different words out there to describe different types of dependencies and i could easily just take one, define it and advocate for my definition and what it claims to describe. but i wont. because this is not for everyone. because this is not a universal remedy or surefire method on how to conduct relationships. and because no matter the background, anything can potentially shift towards negative, toxic and/or abusive dependencies that, consciously or not, end up being exploited, causing severe damage on the way. a myriad of things could have gone wrong, even with us. a lot of things did go wrong. that is an important part of the truth, too. i will not deny this and potentially make myself complicit in providing an excuse to bad actors.
what i do hope to achieve however is to put something out there against a solely negative and radical individualist approach to mutual dependencies. i think there should be no shame in having developed them as such. because it happens. that is okay. this is our way. and we have, more or less, made it work for us.