purpose of upcoming texts
power …
it is a fascinating thing. always surrounding us, sometimes in little, sometimes in big, very obvious ways. something that happens in a myriad of ways, conscious, unconscious, violent and brutal, soft and kind. at times even intoxicating. yet still hard to grasp. i have tried finding ways on how to deal with it, texts on how to prevent addiction, to check it, to handle it, on things to watch out for, even just anything describing how it feels to have power. but aside from analysing ceos and emphasising the need for checks and balances i have found very little. there seems to be something like a taboo on discussing it.
power …
i don’t know where this is going to lead to. at the time of writing this introduction i already wrote a lot of short, unstructured things on the whole subject of this. and i have no clue for where everything is headed anyway. but this is the gist of it:
i have a deep fascination for psychology and how what are called humans interact. part of this, of course, includes the whole subject of power. i have already talked a lot about things like abuse, forgiveness, consent etc. and perhaps i might do so here again. a little while i ago i suddenly happened to find myself in a position of intense interpersonal power which still persists as of writing this introduction. it is not institutional, i am no politician, ceo, team leader or anything of the sorts. but it still exists and is still far reaching. and so i decided to use this opportunity to study myself. you can find a short outline under “personal background” below this part of the text.
however, to finally cut to the chase. fundamentally, like most beings writing publicly, i write to get it out there. i want to talk about it, to demystify the whole subject of power. i want to show what it can do, how it feels, why its enjoyed, used, forced, chased after, all these things. i want to openly lay out the ways it functions, but also how manipulation, abuse, violence, mental trickery and all these little things work and look like. so that it is out there, talked about, so that it can be recognised and maybe even fought. that, at least, would be my dream.
but i also write this as a form of accountability. i want what i do to be out there, visible from the outside. high-control groups work by controlling the flow of information, both inwards towards their members - preventing them from seeing alternatives, escape routes or anything that could cause doubt - but also outwards, preventing any outsider to from witnessing what is happening inside. it is the latter that i want to prevent from, even unconsciously, happening. i want the outside world to see what i do, and create personal accountability this way.
those two things, basically, are what i write for.
personal background
this is meant as an overview of my source for anything i write about power, not as a general descriptor of me.
i am, as anyone who has ever read anything by me can probably tell, very kinky and very sexual. while my journey into kink started many years ago on the submissive side on the spectrum, i am now dominant only, do not switch, strongly into the whole d/s aspect and fucked up kink-wise. however, i do not hide my vulnerability, my inner child, my desire to be small and just hide, my plushies or anything similar. they are an integral part of me that i will express no matter what. because they are me, they belong to me, they keep me grounded and sane, and i will never trade any of it even for the strongest dopamine rush.
i am in a romantic relationship with the being that i live with. we are also most assuredly actively kinky 24/7, with a strong power imbalance in my favour in place. this imbalance is far reaching but not absolute, albeit in practice, the only reason this is the case is because it sees no point in handing over power over things i do not want to control anyway (social life, job/education etc). our life includes day-to-day rules, pain play, shows of power and all that but also a lot of care, affection, vulnerability, love, appreciation and just, well. all those kitschy cute and tender things that beings who love each other sometimes engage in.
i am also in a long-distance kinky, non-romantic relationship with a power imbalance in my favour that, as opposed to the aforesaid one, is, in fact, without limits. i have been given power over whatever i want, regardless of limits, desires, needs, in short: probably the closest thing someone like me can get to “absolute”. however, while it exists and affects both of us quite strongly, it is not something we engage in on a daily or regularly scheduled basis.
then there is another being. this one, for fun and for reasons not related to kink or sex, started what we lightheartedly call a cult in my name, of which the second being is also a member. my romantic partner however is not. both “cult” relationships are individually shaped, without any interconnection or group building enforced or influencing the dynamics, i.e. despite the name, this is in fact not a high control group. the origin of their dynamics is based on things i used to publicly talk about that influenced this being’s view of the world in life changing ways for the positive and this was, initially a joking, way of showing gratitude.
i will talk about the effects these kinds of relationships and especially the power dynamics have as well as how we handle everything later.
finally, while i do not intend to rejoin any sort of institutional activism, i have been politically active in the past.