content notes: emotional struggling, abuse, dependencies
other note: this was written in a state of mind that did not allow for the clearest of thoughts, a potential redraft might therefore happen at some point in time
who do i look up to?
a metaphorical question that's been going on in my mind for a while now. and for many things. for help, inspiration, guidance, a role model, tools, resources, just about anything right now. but with community sizes dropping the more fucked up your kinks get, a lack of, or at least quite drastic imbalance against, openly dominant beings as well as a sad prevalence for, let's face it, dangerous, toxic and borderline dynamics in the way, the potential pool of candidates and resources runs dry indeed. and in the end, fragmented shards from different places and talks, combined with some form of instinct, provide.
this time though, it was not just help that i was looking for. it was the actual looking up to someone. or at least, somewhere to look for, to go to, for stability.
from what i understand, a common reason for a submissive part to enter any form of long-term power imbalance relationships is the security, safety, stability and/or anything similar to these concepts. here, common themes are those of having been given purpose, use, understanding, guidance and such. someone's there, watching over, taking care of things, giving a reason to exist. i get it, i do. emotionally, this can work wonders with inner calm and trust. but what, emotionally, is or can be in it for us, for our side, what's the point, what's the equivalent for me?
it's fun. it's a high, a crazy and effective source for amazing highs. but aside from my inner joy over how our dynamics genuinely help those within them, self-care, self-liberation, self-appreciation and all those things, that is what i have focused on, used what i have for. as such that's nice and fine, and also what it was essentially there for. but when a bunch of beings rely on you for parts of their mental health and you are beset with draining things happening, taking their toll on your own inner stability, a dangerous circle evolves. because i want to care, i want to be there, i want to provide help, be the stable source they have made me to be. but i feel like i'm falling, threatening my ability to provide the aforesaid things. making me fall even more. and more.
we, i, do fucked up things here. fear play is hard, so is mental fuckery in general, and especially the art of taking some entity's insecurities, bringing them to light, and then brutally squeezing them. it's fun, sure. but it needs good aftercare to deal with its effects, yes, for the submissive as well as the dominant part of it all. but it also needs some foundation, some basis on which this mental labor to even start pulling it off can stand. it needs stability. and within an essentially anxious and traumatized being like me, it's most definitely not just that.
now, a simple way might be trust. valuing the trust given, and using it as something to rely, something to stand on. but trust is fragile, can easily be broken, be it by a mistake made or just a sudden inability to provide what that trust, in turn, is based on anymore.
the classical abusive way would be to create dependencies, material, emotional, social, legal, you name it, to enable, foster them, let them thrive and eventually just lashing on to them. and let's be honest, i would be in a position to create and cultivate just that. but, even setting aside principles and personal desires, to what end? dependencies require work, need to be kept up, reinforced, and above all it's vital to keep at least the illusion of being the only source that can provide. work i would only be prepared to put into dynamics with someone i really, really care for and where this is what we mutually desire.
so what's left?
yesterday, my wife did something beautiful. she managed to create a space in which i could just fall, let go. where my emotions could run free, unhindered, unchecked. no more checking up, no more trying to be the bulwark of stability. it felt like floating through the air, surrounded by dark nothingness. and inside of all that, just me. without fear, insecurity, anxiety. just me. it felt liberating.
and yet ... this too could never be a permanent solution. but what it did was help me find out, grasp and define, what it was i was looking for.
when the kicks subside, when the dopamine drops, when the energy's down, or something else just lets that insecurity kick so that all those nasty thoughts of self-deprecation come running. i do not want to rely on dependencies or cynical thoughts of apparently being the only possible supplier of what i can give. so what do i do? what gives me strength, stability, emotional safety?
what is it that i can gain my own trust from?